Holy Sunday Funday

Dear Happy Monday,

Last weekend officially won for “gayest” weekend of a few of our lives, specifically, Chad Huggins and Tommy Joiner. I put “gayest” in quotes because I don’t mean it in a derogatory way (Love you Josh) but literally got kicked out of The Wrangler (biggest gay bar in Denver) for being actually too “Gay”. Let me begin by setting a little context for everyone who did not participate in the day’s crazy antics.

In our normal “party ridiculously hard” weekend fashion we did just that. Killed Fri and Sat tearing up downtown Denver which led to a very hung-over Sunday morning. And by Sunday morning I mean World Cup Final morning…..After casually drinking bottomless Mimosas and Bloody Mary’s from say 10am – 4pm with about 25 of our friends at the Uptown Tavern, the game finally ended with Spain the victors for the next 4 years…..and what do most people do? Go home…recover…go to bed. What do Chad, Matt, Tommy, Shellie, Nicole, and I do? Decide to fake leave with everyone…then walk straight back into the bar for some casual* mini bowling in the back of the Tavern bar.
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*cas·u·al [kazh-oo-uh l] –adjective
1: bar power outage to lights back on and chad has no clothes on
2. tommy joiner slip n sliding the bowling lane
3. stealing shots from the bar
4. lots of yelling and swearing
5. tommy yelling at the bartenders for not being able to make pizza (power was out)
6. free beers for the food taking so long
7. getting kicked out of a bar for partying at 430pm on a Sunday

—Related forms
cas·u·al·ly, adverb

—Synonyms 1. Partying Really Hard
—Antonyms 1. Staying in and Watching Twilight
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After “casually” being asked to leave, we were approached with an epic proposition from a member of Denver’s homosexual community…he proposed that he could hook all the dudes with us up with free beer the rest of the day if we went down to The Wrangler with him. After gazing into each other’s eyes for a split second…then over at the girls with us….then back at our new friend, we all unanimously said “fuck it, sounds awesome” and strolled down the street to what would be a ridiculous shit show.

Here is our tour guide with some man lovin…

So when he said it was all you can drink…he meant it. Turns out these type of bars like to get dudes drunk…especially straight dudes…because lets be real, it’s a gay man’s wet dream to convert an unsuspecting straight lad over if only for the day…and turns out for a brief 30minutes…it worked like a charm.

Upon walking in we all felt like a rare breed of panther at the zoo that everyone wants to see, and by see, I mean undress mentally while licking their lips and “accidently” running their swinging hand into your junk while walking past. At first, yes, it was a little scary but as soon as a few more drops of alcohol hit Chad and Tommy’s lips they went from being a Muslim women trying to cover up every inch of their skin to Jenna Jamison in her prime ready to take on a couple of plumbers in the flick “Backdoor Plumbing II”.

How do you out gay a gay bar you say? Well it starts with launching your own 2 person wet underwear contest and what your pouring on them is pitchers of free beer…I woke up Monday morning (after passing out at 8pm that night) and thought to myself… “Self, Did that really happen yesterday or did I just have my first homoerotic dream…involving two of my friends?” and quickly logged in to Facebook to see this little gem below to a great relief…as morning wood was flying high.

Wet underwear contest also equals, bouncers swarming us yelling to put clothes on and stop dumping our beers on one another….so what does Tommy do? Full extension chug all over his face….ya…immediately kicked out while all the while Tommy and Chad screaming “Straight Discrimination!! I’m gonna sue you guys!!”…..bar 2 getting kicked out of…check.

After leaving The Wrangler we decided we would just wonder down the street aimlessly and go in the next bar we came across. Which unfortunately for them happened to be Williams Tavern like 3 doors down. Take a guess how long we made it in there for? If you guessed 10 minutes then you guessed right….drinks ordered…Tommy gets on the bar with no clothes on still…and starts partying…

The poor bartender (honestly like 4 people in the whole bar, Sunday afternoon at 6pm) was managing the place by herself and immediately threatened to kick us out if we didn’t get him down asap….soooo….we did that. Oh wait…a boxing machine? Ya the ones you actually hit and it tells you how hard you swung plus Matt Britten and Tommy Joiner (no clothes on still) = cops called. Bar 3 down.

Walking out of the bar Convo went as follows:
Chad: “Is that a rainbow”
Matt: “Duh we were just at a gay bar”
Tommy: “We better do some more gay shit, it’s a sign”

Leading to this spectacular picture…note the rainbow in the background.

I don’t know what it is about Sundays that always seems to get weird but here is a little gem to place in your back pocket when playing “Never have I ever” with Tommy and Chad in the future.

Never have I ever had two dudes licking my butt cheeks while one puts fingers down my butt crack (tommy drink)
Never have I ever dumped a full pitcher of beer on my package, wearing banana hammockesk Express gray underwear in a gay bar (chad drink)
Never have I ever been kicked out of 3 bars before 8 o’clock on a Sunday (hopefully everyone on this blog is drinking)

Later dudes…hope you enjoyed.